My heart compass is clearer

West Coast

47

I'm still in perimenopause and have been for six years. But like the minute I turned 40, it was about immunity. Like my immunity tanked and I was diagnosed, well, I guess shortly before that with Hashimoto's. But I think my body just couldn't handle stress as well as I wasn't as resilient as I was before.

But I feel like for the first five years it was like, yeah, getting to know my new body and what I could tolerate and what I couldn't. And since I turned 45, I'm 47 on Friday, but since I turned 45, it's just been discernment, like, what do I want in my life? I think the first five years I was like, 'This is just my life, you know?' And I can control what I consume with food and like, you know, maybe I can go lay down if I need to. But at 45 I just started to be like, 'Nope, not, I'm just not dealing with that.'

And this year, 46 has just been like, 'Yeah, like, nope, we're not gonna have sex for a while actually.' And I love sex so much. I'm just like, 'Nope, that's not happening.' Because not only just what's going on with my body, but I'm like, I'm pissed off at men right now and I'm not going there because I can't, like emotionally I can't. And so that waxes and wanes. But it surprises me sometimes because of the way my priorities have shifted and my values have shifted, it really impacts my body.

I think one way to describe it is that my heart compass is clearer and every year it becomes more crystallized. Like, 'This is what's important to me. This is who I'll protect in my life. This is who I'm not giving the time to.' Or if I give the time to it, it's to try and heal something in some way or just not let it in. And at the same time, like my appreciation for some people has just blown up, like women in general. I'm just like, 'Ooooh, like, need to connect, need to appreciate all of the facets of you.' And that goes for like my ancestors and like anybody who's just been oppressed. My appreciation is just kind of guiding me and it feels really good.

But yeah, it's so much harder to compromise my values and it feels so good to live in my values more. And I don't feel like I have much control over this. Like whatever's going on with my soul right now I think has something to do with perimenopause and I'm digging it. I really like it. But yeah, like the fighting, I'm really good at fights and I'm also really good at avoiding fights because I just don't care about the things I used to care about. So that's been nice.

And then like the typical kind of symptoms like hot flashes - night hot flashes for like two nights and then I won't have them again for like a year or something. So I haven't had that yet. Knock on wood, I've gained like 20 pounds and I cannot get even a pound of it off. And I'm at the same time trying not to care about that. And then I'm really sensitive to like the immunity thing. I'm really sensitive to certain foods now, and especially alcohol. Like I can hardly handle alcohol. Just kind of disappointing, but cool with that too. Anyways, yeah, the values, it's really interesting.

I'm really curious, like what the next five years will be like if it's gonna be more discernment or if at some point I'll kind of like float into this liberation part of my life. Where like the discernment has been done and now it's like I'm free. We'll see.